The Magic of Support

I’ve been a bit intentionally quiet on social media and the blog for a few weeks. So, I’ll just bite the bullet and say it: *deep breath* I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I haven’t said anything, because frankly I don’t know what to say. There are very few ways to handle divorce diplomatically, so I don’t want to make a bad situation worse by inviting in the world. But, I finally decided to write because there is one aspect of this situation that deserves to be discussed right now, and that I couldn’t afford to fail to mention. That’s the unbelievable support of my friends and family. As we age and our relationships change, evolve, die and grow stronger, I think each of us struggles with how to be a great support to the people we love the most. I struggle with it often, and have found that at times I’ve been extremely helpful to people in their hour of need, and at other times I’ve really dropped the ball. So, in my attempt to both thank the folks whose support has kept me afloat these past few weeks, and to offer some thoughts for those struggling with how to be of real help to others, I offer my thoughts on how the support of my family and friends has been the most magical and helpful thing in my life lately.

Go with your strength

I always admire the one friend who is super organized about bringing exactly the right, perfectly timed, easy to heat dinner dish to their friends who have just had a baby, or suffered a loss, or whatever they’re going through that renders them unlikely to prepare meals in the way that they should during this stressful time. I try to be that friend sometimes, except that I can’t cook that well, don’t have too much free time on my hands, and am generally awkward with my timing. So, I usually just end up feeling guilty that my effort is a few days too late, doesn’t look like a Pinterest win, or is not quite as organized or helpful as I intended it to be. I made this great plan to try to come up with easy casserole recipes so I could just be ready to go when the next birth or funeral rolled around, and then I finally realized I’m not that girl! I can’t cook that well. I don’t have much free time on my hands. I’m generally awkward with my timing.

So, where does that leave me? Well, let me tell you what I can do: Paperwork. I’m a lawyer for crying out loud. If you have forms that need to be filled out, companies that need to be contacted, big blurbs of legal words that need to be interpreted, stuff that needs to be arranged, I’m your girl! I can research like nobody’s business. So, I’ve finally realized that the best things I have to offer my friends and family are the things I’m good at. And people need those things, too! (Yes, I would love to research setting up a trust for your baby while you eat Susie’s delicious casserole…)

The same is true for you. Whatever kind of friend you are – be that friend! I am blessed 1000 times over to have a diverse enough group of friends and family that somebody in the group has everything covered. I have friends who call and text religiously to just make sure I’m doing ok. They are literally willing to talk and listen until every freaking word about this situation has been said. Twice. I have a few who aren’t as hands on, but are so ride or die that when I call and say I need something, they’re on it. Like when Marcellus sends out “The Wolf” in Pulp Fiction. I have financially savvy friends who have helped me rework my finances so I can hang on to my house as a single mom. My mom isn’t one to have long, emotional conversations, but she sure is letting me, my daughter, and my dog(!) live in her house for a few weeks. If every friend was the same, the benefits of friendship would be limited. So, embrace your strengths as a friend and do the stuff you’re good at. Don’t beat yourself up for not being what someone else is. It’s all needed, and it is ALL appreciated.

Just Say It

I’ve had a lot of trouble opening up about this divorce because I’ve honestly been afraid of the feedback I would get from people. I expect to be judged, even if only through underhanded suggestions or questions about why we didn’t try harder. Honestly, I often feel that way when I hear about other people getting divorced, so why wouldn’t people feel that way toward me?  So, imagine my surprise when I’ve heard several people say to me that they are proud of me for making this decision for myself and for my daughter. It stops me in my tracks every time. It takes my breath away. I wouldn’t do something this drastic if I didn’t think it was the right thing for all of us, but I don’t expect other people to see it that way, and I certainly don’t expect them to say it.

The point of this rambling? To let you know how important it is to say whatever little supportive things you’re thinking to the people you care about. It makes a huge difference. And if you don’t know what to say, but you know something needs to be said, that’s ok, too. Just say something. People aren’t stupid, we’re trained social media specialists, and we can sense when something is off. Many of those people have taken a moment to drop me a message or call just to see if everything is ok. They don’t know what is going on, but they know something is. When I tell them I’m getting divorced, they don’t always know what to say, but they say something. Sometimes it is meaningful and brilliant, other times it’s just letting me know I’m on their mind. When you’re feeling like a fish out of water, those little drops of rain feel like everything.  So, if someone you know is going through something and you’re thinking a thought that you’re debating whether to say, say it. If you’re debating whether to say something at all, say it. You never know when your words give someone the little bit of confidence, love, courage or strength they need to face the day.

What would you add to this conversation? Let me know in the comments.